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THE OLD RULE OF THUMB

There was a time when the criterion for enrolling children into school was for the hand to go across their head to touch their ear. It was deemed practical and the proper judgement for establishing a child old enough to get an education.  Many of our parents experienced this because there was no documentation regarding age/birth certificates, so the logic was to ascertain a child's age by specific abilities. Take, for instance, Diana in 1985. The education standard for getting into school was from the age of 5. Diana's mother had painted beautiful pictures of a school's appearance and said that only sensible people were considered worthy of being a part of it. All Diana wanted to do was put on the new socks and shoes her mother had purchased. Diana dreamt of reciting the greeting the night before, 'Good morning, teacher; we are happy to see you; God bless you.' And so, Diana was taken to school that morning for enrolment. 'Fine girl, raise your right hand over y...
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MAKEOVER

 

When she realized her hair was gone, the barber had increased the volume of his radio and India Arie’s ‘I am not my hair’ filled the room.

‘If I can manage the situation like a professional, my construction contract with her father will hold tomorrow,’ I thought. I breathe in and out, a logic that never works for me, but I do it anyway. I rehearse my words, changing each sound to a softer version of the previous one - aligning my looks to the words so that my eyes become half closed and there is a faint smile on my face. I wait for the explosion.

All the while, the barber is busy touching what is left on her head with his clipper. He says it is the final addition and calls it the moon look. He fumbles with the chair, turning Stella from left to right like a child’s play. The large mirror in front of us escalates the mishap and the fumes on my girlfriend’s face seem to be burning the white walls. It was meant to be a makeover since her 25th birthday was the next day. Now it’s what, a turndown? Thank the universe she suggested it all plus the choosing of the saloon. It would have been a one-way ticket to breaking up, and perhaps for real this time. Make that the fifth time.

‘James! Can you see this? Are you even my man at all? You let this monster do me like trash? Oh, Goshhhh...’

‘Babe, you look different. Plus, I love you just the way you are.’

‘That can only sound reasonable coming from Bruno Mars, so cut it out! I look like one of those evil dead in Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video!’

Well, if you were not so busy on your phone, trying to wait for the huge surprise, you would have noticed you truly look creepy! I thought, and chuckled.

‘Are you trying to be mad right now? What’s the show of your brown teeth for? She asks.

‘No. I’m trying to say hairs grow back. Let’s just leave and we’ll get you a nice wig, those as long as the tail of a horse. Anything for you, babe.’

‘I’m not leaving until I give this fool a piece of my mind. I’ll make sure no one else comes into this damaging shop.’

I stay another 30 minutes, watching the barber plead, watching my girlfriend make videos for the internet, cursing and yelling with arms waving here and there. When I cannot take it anymore, I tell her she looks like a bald uakari in high heels. I tell her she will never be beautiful because her heart is full of bile. The barber stops begging, is intrigued by my sudden confidence, and gives me a pat on the back as he walks us out of his saloon. She is speechless, looking at me like a surprised meme on WhatsApp. The problem with this ending is that she will find another desperate fool to trap with her illustrious life. If he can cope for two months, then I would have failed at the workshop of patience. I am no longer looking for a completed mansion – my tent is enough for me right now. Goodbye.

Don’t Forget to be Honest!

Emmawad

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Comments

  1. anon7 October 2023 at 11:24

    I love it.. The confidence..We all need to hear the truth sometimes

    ReplyDelete
  2. Arunima8 October 2023 at 02:08

    I like the way you deliberately added details of the whole relationship in such a short version. Could understand both the characters really well. Love the phrase 'her heart is full of bile.'

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous23 October 2023 at 08:28

    He should better be satisfied and cheerful in his tent. Why go through this madness to stay unhappy. According to 1 Corinthians 3v14, " if what has been built survives, the builder will receive reward". Uncle angbele please choose happiness

    ReplyDelete
  4. FinoFrench4 April 2025 at 14:56

    This is a wonderful piece. So captivating.

    ReplyDelete

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