EMMAWAD

  UPON THE MOUNTAIN   “What would happen if you do not make this jump?” She asked herself while standing on one of the highest points of the Olumo Rock. She got to that point with the company of other tourists chatting their lives away and taking memorable pictures of one another. However, the majority of the crowd took the road more travelled by; the stairs that looked newly built to help the young and old. Here, a lift(s) will be a bad idea knowing the nature of our electricity system. We call it kpa na kpa na!   Being the daring type, she decided to take the route less followed; the inner rocks. She got past the shrine where the tour guard had explained they sacrificed animals to the gods who in turn protected tourists from any danger. Some rocks looked like humans turned into stones; they have been there for thousands of years. It was a marvel, all she wanted to do was to go further until she got to the highest point of the mountain. It would be one grand achiev...

  THE MEET UP “I dreamt I missed the rapture,” he said to me. “There are terrible things I have been thinking of lately and I know that is the reason why.”   I asked what terrible thoughts have been dancing to the disco in   his head and he answered, after arranging his thoughts properly so that God will not send an angel to whoop his mouth, “YOU. Please do not say anything. Let me speak my mind as quickly as possible because I might never confess this to you. I want you to be my wife. However, I know God will not accept you because you  are of the world; you put on trousers, makeup, you attend parties and dance to corrupt music. These are the only obstacles to us being together in holy matrimony. You have to turn to God so he can save you and we will both  make heaven together.” I recalled when we used to p lay in secondary school. Lawrence was the people’s guy that stepped into the room and everyone went  woahh . He did not think of rapt...

“Driver you no sabi anything. Abeg give me space make I show you how to beat this yeye traffic wey be like wetin winch dey invoke to life.”   That black uniform, that desperate voice making us question what the law stood for these days, was part  of us Lagosians returning     home from our various hard-knock lives, on a Friday evening, 7:00 pm. From Obalende to Yaba we prayed for a free passage since Lagos signed a con tract with “go slow.” It is not the only thing slow about us.    The Police become your friend when all odds are against the populace. They can even break the law to make you safe. Isn’t it ironic? The Police become your friend when it rains and they need shelter in your store or your vehicle or your shack. The police were more than a friend to us when we found ourselves positioned in a single spot for an hour. Traffic became our common enemy. Passengers cursed, drivers lamented: “petrol wen pesin buy today now go finish today.” Radios w...

“Look at his feet. Check that he puts on good shoes. Make sure that mohawk, gallas and parting are not part of his hair-cuts. Hey! Don’t forget the skinny jeans and body hug shirts. Yes! Remember he must be educated. God forbid he is from the East; an Anambra indigene! Pray he has the AA genotype. Well… he could be comfortable but rich would be better-the best. Make life easy for everyone by ensuring he is God-fearing, a Christian. Also, it won’t be a crime to google his family history to be on the safe side. But remember that height     is a necessity these days for success. Don’t introduce your lineage to the dwarf society. Don’t worry… nothing is impossible for them that trust God. It is well my daughter.” I would like to travel to space, another planet; Pluto, Mars, Neptune, Jupiter. Earth has not favoured me so far. Mother’s words are my morning alarm and night lullaby. I wait, breathe, sleep, talk, dance, eat and drink her words not because they are poetically p...

“Do not eat like an animal Bomi. Wherever are you from? I told you to close your mouth while munching or you just might make others lose their appetite.” “Sorry Mrs." Said Bomi. “It is I’m sorry ma!” Said Mrs Dagogo. Bomi tried to adhere to her warnings by sitting straight, taking his elbows off the dining table and chewing with mouth closed, which lasted but five minutes. Unconsciously, provoking sounds ca me out of his mouth, food particles dropped on the table and the tarred floor was marred. The fork given to Bomi only decorated his right hand while the left did the job of the fork. These did not go unnoticed by Mrs who cursed herself for her action which she considered stupid and a spur of the moment. She was on her way to work that morning when she witnessed an angry m ob pour ing their wei ghts on     a little boy accused of theft. Pleading on his behalf, she asked what he had stolen. It was an apple. Mrs paid the mob for twenty apples and brought the little ...

THE ENGLISH MAN At first, I perceived him as my enemy, as did my colleague. When you regarded him with a greeting he responded with silence or a frown, not once, not twice. He had these knocked knees that he threw around like his pride when he walked out or into the ENGLISH lab that accommodated unfriendly dust. I pictured his face one day as the image of the un-wiped whiteboard occupying space in the lab. The board had many inscriptions on it that were quite ugly; like drawings of an amateur. It just hung there, representing a deceitful notion of facility needed.  He would resume very early every weekday. His black shadow (computer bag) would sit on his desk signifying his presence when he left to teach a class. This black shadow suited a computer engineer or a lawyer, but certainly not an English teacher. I remember once picturing him in a suit and a tie, or a range rover sport. I had to perish the thought though because I wouldn’t know if he’d ever smile even in suc...

MARIERE It was said that she had this ravishing beauty that made suitors hover around her father’s compound. They would come prepared with gifts and entourages only to be frequently turned down by her. Few gave up the trial while many continued, unsuccessfully. The villagers waited to see the day and the lad who would win their untitled princess at last.  This one, he came out of the blue. He came like a king who could not be refused. He came prepared from a faraway land that even you cannot guess. He came for the taking and nothing less. Many had lost but he was called to win. Voila! The unpleasable damsel eventually was defeated by the affluence, charisma, debonair and gaiety of this lad. They gracefully were married without further ado. It was a quick wedding as the groom could not wait to consummate the union. A bit uneasy, mother and brother to the bride decide to accompany the couple to their home in Lagos to be familiar with where their blood would be inhabiting h...